Travelin Light

Several months ago, I flew to San Francisco for a road trip up the Northern California coast. I was meeting a friend for the drive and we were taking a fun little convertible. Something I had always wanted to do. For those of you that have or have had a convertible, you know one of things you give up when the top is down…is trunk space…which meant I had to pack light. I had to let go of excess baggage for the joy of a free feeling ride.

So with each packing decision was the question do I really need this or not. I was continually choosing between a want and a need in this packing exercise. And, I had to trust and not prepare for every possible contingency. I was amazed in the end of what was actually essential. In a way, it was completely freeing because I had to eliminate the noise and define my packing truth so to speak. And as I did so, I couldn’t help but begin making a comparison of packing light for this trip and packing light for the ultimate journey of living.

And, I kept thinking that the more willing I am to define my needs in a situation, whether it be packing for a road trip or a new relationship the cleaner and sweeter they have the possibility to be because I am not carrying a heavy load as I go. And, I am not bringing with me fear, pride, prejudice, judgment, self- righteousness, addiction, and a victim consciousness…all of that yucky stuff that makes authentic living elusive.

In the case of things, this might be a very large mortgage, car payments, and more things then we truly need as we have been sold on the illusion that things are where happiness comes from and, the irony is at some point these things move us from joy to bondage to continue to fund the things. It doesn’t start off that way it is just that over time these things add up just like our experiences add up and both from time to time must be cleaned out for us to enjoy the gift of living.

Leaving the safe zone for the scary space of the unknown by clearing out things I have formed attachments to requires walking in faith. I think of it as shedding my old skin so the new can emerge. A scary exercise for sure. Yet if I can keep the faith, ultimately a fresh gentle breeze of renewal, hope, happiness, and lightness shows up.

To realize this lightness I need four key ingredients self-awareness, discernment, and authentic trust and faith, the faith that comes from deep within. Without these, false fear and doubt reign supreme. And there isn’t much to enjoy when I am in the midst of the heavy baggage of false fear and doubt. And, yes it does require conscious effort and sustained practice to develop strong faith and trust muscles which may also mean stripping myself of false belief, yet without Trust and faith the present can be a scary place. And I recognize that my faith is the substance from which things hoped for become real, the evidence of things not yet seen, a tool that provides the fuel for a free feeling and enjoyable ride for it gives me the courage to pack light.

Shades of Love

In this country we spend an inordinate amount of time on the subject of romantic love almost to the extreme. Yet, there are so many other shades of love; From the love expressed through a smile, a job well done, or even searching for the perfect golf club to perfect that swing. These are all shades of the flow of love and there are so many more.

Including the love that shows up through caretaking another being with compassion, as I watch my Mother walk through the latter stages of Alzheimer’s I see so much love around her. The love on the faces of the hospice personnel as they come to bath her, or check on her; their gentleness and kindness as they care for her. My sister whom lovingly takes the time to try and make Mom laugh, whom looks for a new Doctor because the other was callous, makes sure Mom is surrounded by pictures of her family pointing out to her who they are over and over again, and whom leaves Mom things to pick up around the house to help fill her days with joy, as Mom always loved to clean. The standing joke in our household growing up was that you couldn’t set your glass down before Mom had picked it up and taken it to wash.

To another sister whom lovingly took Mom to JC Penny and walked the store with her as Mom so loved to shop, until the trips just became too much and Mom’s world shrank yet again and now finds other ways to bring Mom joy; ensuring she has plenty of cards in the mail to open; sending the reminders to the rest of us to mail Mom cards. And as I visit I see how much those cards mean as Mom has two love containers I call them that she carries with her now. One of them use to hold her Bible, and now it holds these beautiful cards of love. And as I visit I read these cards to her, over and over…Mom’s points of love.

The other container is a wood decorative box with a handle which holds jewelry, the real stones are gone either lost or put up for safekeeping; so many of these are from Mom’s journey to JC Penny’s. Mom always had her jewels on and showed her love to her daughters by often sharing a piece of her jewelry with us. And, as we took a drive one evening not long ago with the top down, feeling the breeze and listening to 40’s music on satellite radio, Mom slipped off her bracelet, with a look that says here you are.

And of course there is Zoe Mom’s long hair Chihuahua. I remember Mom’s joy so many years ago calling to say she had a new friend, Zoe. How happy getting Zoe made her and still makes her every single day. Zoe’s role in life has become to be the center of Mom’s world. She gives Mom’s day purpose. They are always together; we laugh that Mom may not remember us in quite the same way but she remembers Zoe. Zoe is the first thing Mom looks for when she comes through the door and the last thing she asks for at night. She lovingly accepts her role and loves Mom right back. I am grateful for Zoe, as I know love is the first and last face Mom sees every day.

And love is with us every day too, in the clerk that makes us laugh, in the child’s face full of wonder, in the caretaker whom takes that extra step of kindness and compassion. I know there are allot of distractions and life can be challenging at times, but remember that smile on your face just might be the love someone needs to get through their day. So be the love, and today look just beyond the surface, and there you’ll find it, Love.

(c) Copyright Loreine Smith 2011

 

Lines of Comfort

Recently, my lines of comfort were crossed, and I went into my fight or flight mode.  It is fascinating to me that professionally I have obtained many tools, and deal with conflict in a straightforward and compassionate way.  Yet, the deeper my connection to someone the more likely I am when stressed or traumatized to show up without those tools.

Depending on the level, person, and type of violation I can show up as Zena Warrior Woman or the Ice Queen, neither knows much about moderation.   When my body goes hot with cold…it is my way of knowing my line has been crossed and my flight or fight response has been triggered.  What is your indicator?

We all have one…the place we go when we feel disrespected, or perhaps even greatly hurt or disappointed by a loved one’s behavior or choices.  Recently, I read an anonymous quote which said “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. “  That statement holds so much truth.  What a wonderful statement to live by when making decisions around deep personal intimate relationships.  Priority is an importance in someone’s life and if we aren’t important to someone else then what are we?  Intimacy with another human being requires more than honesty, it requires the willingness to make another being a priority.

Or at least that is my opinion, I personally cannot place myself out there as any form of relationship expert; my expertise has always been in the arena of business relationships, personal ones are much harder for me.  I get tied up in the simplest of things.   What about yourself?  Do you go all in without thought of the consequences or are you slow and methodical or somewhere in between.   Do you handle personal relationships similarly to your relationship with money or are they different?

What do you value in relationship?  What is your style of showing love? How do you express your appreciation of someone?   Is it easier for you to give or receive?  Do you need to be in control or can you surrender the outcome?   What triggers you?  Often my triggers are pulled when a situation becomes accusatory or blaming or I feel manipulated or used.  Situations and relationships with others can become unworkable for us for many reasons and that doesn’t necessarily translate to hopeless.  It does mean both have to be willing to adjust, to work through it and perhaps even locate a great counselor to assist in sorting through it all for that extra guidance necessary to turn the corner and in so doing create a stronger relationship.

Certainly, in the world we live in relationships have evolved and are more complex.  However, there is also more possibility to grow in our connections as human beings and a society as a whole.   Daphne Rose Kingma has written a book entitled the Future of Love in it she makes the case that intimate relationship forms have evolved and that they often break the rules of convention and, that often we live relationships which are in conflict with what we think and believe relationships should be.  To me that means we throw allot of guilt on ourselves and others for not meeting the picture of normalcy which basically means when something great shows up and it shows up in a flavor different than our beliefs and judgments allow we just may let something beautiful go to find that elusive picture perfect societal ideal.  In her years of study and work as a counselor, Dr. Kingma believes we are in the midst of relationship transformation and that while marriage is still one important form of intimate relationship that it is no longer the only form.   As we evolve, won’t our relationship forms evolve with us?

And, isn’t true intimacy, about bringing into any relationship the opportunity to express our true selves, as well as possibly to heal wounds we can’t find except while in intimate relationship with another whether or not sex is part of the relationship which brings me back to the question doesn’t real intimacy also require us to be in conscious relationship with someone willing to make us a priority?  For how else can we trust the commitment necessary for true intimacy to evolve?

Trapped in Paradise

I live in a city that normally has relatively mild winters, and recently the city has experienced unusually winterish weather conditions.   We had four days of this type of weather in a row actually and on the fourth day we had the prettiest snow I have ever seen, and the city was covered in a deep white glow.  It was absolutely gorgeous to view, yet it was also the fourth day of an extreme winter weather advisory warning and I had not left my neighborhood and really my home due to the treacherous road conditions in those four days.  And as I viewed all the pristine beauty around me, I also began pondering that here I was in the midst of and surrounded by this magnificent beauty and I felt trapped. 

Yes, I went for a walk in the beauty of the snow, took pictures to share with friends on Facebook, and still I could never really feel the beauty around me on that day, an irony to me and one that brought with it the thought of how often we create surroundings of outward paradise only to feel trapped on the inside by what we have created to the toys we bring into our life with price tags bigger than our wallets, to the appearance games we play, even to our relationships based more on status then mutual appreciation or love.  As well as what these mirages cost us from the financial to the emotional and physical, and how keeping up appearances can keep us stuck in unsatisfying conditions from a loveless relationship to an unfulfilling job; as we sacrifice true happiness for the appearance of it; as we wear inauthentic smiles rather than those that emanate from our hearts.  I mean what if we acknowledged our humanness and allowed others to view us however they chose and we stopped pretending? What if we stopped judging by appearances alone?

And what in the end is most important that you project a life of luxury and perfection or that you are true to yourself living a balanced life that allows you to be true to those you love without sacrificing your own well-being or the well-being of those around you so that in the end it can be said she loved well, she was authentic and real; a true expression of who she really was.  What if being a true expression of ourselves, living our passions became the norm?   

Why isn’t authenticity and true happiness a component of success?  And why when people express it, do we want to belittle it if doesn’t look like what we expect?   We tell people to be true to themselves, yet as a society do we mean it?   I mean after all we have created an environment where living the vision in a commercial is more important than living our own and we have paid a price for it, as reflected in the HPI  index, an index which measures human well-being.  Out of all the countries ranked the US ranking in 2009 was a 114.  Something is awry, we are financially one of the wealthiest countries in the world. Yet, this wonderful nation does not even rank in the top 20 of this index so,  know matter the appearance true happiness and well-being are not a priority.  

And what would happen if they were?  I mean if we are not enjoying the journey now, what makes us think we will enjoy the destination anymore? 

I cannot place myself on the altar of perfection or even state that I have created the perfect life or that I am truly authentic and happy in every aspect of my life; I have disappointed myself at times and disappointed those that admire me and or love me.  I am real; and realness brings with it a certain messiness that we can’t truly hide from no matter what appearance we might try and project, in the end it is you sitting with you.  And in that space will you know that you honored more than you dishonored, that you loved more than you belittled, that you created more than you destroyed?  Will you be able to say I lived a life connected to my heart body and soul and as such I became a steward of the gifts bestowed upon me whether that gift is a child, a talent, monetary gain or the love of your life? 

What say you?

New You..

Ok, it’s that time of year isn’t it…the New Year’s rituals, burning bowls, intention settings, resolutions are complete, and the easy and fun part is done now what?

I believe one of the most difficult bridges between dreaming a dream and making it a reality is all the hard work and effort in between. Even the most innocent of intentions such as I resolve to be more patient and loving brings with it allot of personal work to develop patience and a loving consciousness. When bringing something from thought form into your life in a tangible way there may be inner or outer work or both. Effort is another way to describe this…effort is defined as conscious exertion of power or serious attempt.

So the real question is are you ready and willing to do the work? Are you willing to put forth the effort? Yes, we want our dreams and we want them without strain without self-reflection without ownership. For to own something is to breath it in and welcome the work that comes with it. In the earthly realm dreams take a bit of effort. So the first question to ask yourself is am I serious? Then ask yourself what would I do if I were serious about this dream, resolution, etc. and what does my willingness look like?

Perhaps willingness might show up as a choice to do one thing every month, week or day to move you towards your dreams and/or resolutions. Perhaps it might show up as refraining from beating yourself up as you move forward? How do you talk to yourself? Is your mind quiet or full of chatter and fear? Are you willing to put forth the effort to quiet your mind? It is one of the very first conditions to a more enjoyable life experience; as your mind goes so go you.

No one has developed a road map for your personal dream, otherwise it wouldn’t be yours. And that can be scary, you are exploring new territory and sometimes letting go of the familiar to step into space not quite so comfortable yet…I mean a pair of old shoes is comfortable at least even if they have long lost their luster and functionality.

Do you know that the statistics on self-made millionaires show a path normally of over 20 years to get there? One truth of my work as a CPA is that I see finances from the inside out. So, I see the trail, I often witness the challenges faced along the way, yet one step at a time walking towards their dreams with persistence and faith they built it…..one step at a time. And your dream doesn’t have to be a business…whatever it is each action brings you one step closer….and the longest journey is made a step at a time.

Ask the Universe to assist you in this and see how it will then show up with all sorts of synchronistic ways on your walk. And foster faith in yourself.

When I find myself on new trails and feeling afraid and doubtful of my abilities to make it happen, I go back to basics and work on filling myself up again. For me when I say basics I mean the basics of putting one foot in front of the other. As well as, making an effort to stay centered from within and a practice of knowing who I am and loving me shadows and all. My practices may look different than yours, find your style and then own it, work it, and let it evolve you into expressing more of the truth of who you really are.

And isn’t that what dreams, and intentions are at their core, the expression of ourselves into the world around us. Isn’t it about unchaining ourselves from the stories other people have told us about ourselves, the stories we have told ourselves?

Isn’t it really about being true to ourselves? I can only find truth when I find me. Are you willing to turn on the light? Are you willing to exert the effort? Are you willing to develop the best you? Because by doing so you not only bring good to yourself you bring good to all of those around you….take the first step in making the world a better place by making your personal world a world that aligns with the truth of who you are, love it, own it, embrace it…go for it are you ready?

The Hope

I am currently reading The Hope by Andrew Harvey.   I am reading it because I an 80 other people are having dinner with him in a week or so as part of a workshop he is here for.

I am surprised how this work speaks to me.  In the short time I have been reading his material I have already gained something which far exceeds the price of the book, ways to uncover more of my best self. 

In the first Chapter Mr. Harvey makes eleven suggestions that allow each of us to awaken to our highest and best versions of ourselves.   The first three are to Write down one thing that has made you feel grateful to be alive today, to write off the top of your “heart” ten things you would say are sacred to you, and a third to think of someone whom has betrayed or hurt you and make a commitment to work on forgiving them.  

And while I have done much gratitude work before this, no one had asked me to state what has made me grateful to be alive. Normally it is simply what are you grateful for? The intensity of the question when phrased in the context of what am I grateful to be alive for adds so much potency and self- realization.  Truly asking me to know myself at a deeper level, and given that this is a daily exercise, just think of the possibilities to discover more of who I really am.  And what joy in discovering more of what truly feeds me, such a mutual blessing.  Not only does my attitude improve and my life for what I focus on I create more of, but the depths of my truth are shown to me with each honest answer.  So, I ask you what makes you grateful to be alive today.    What is your gold nugget?   Are you living it?

Interestingly enough, I can remember back well over a decade ago, when I despised uncovering my beliefs, so much gunk was there, so much pain, so much judgment, and now I can’t wait to discover more of who I really am, both the shadow and the light.  I know that on the backside of pain are joy and a more satisfying life. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology shadow, it is used in a psychological context to describe those largely dark parts of ourselves we are momentarily blind to.   Life is grounded in duality.              

In moving to the forgiveness exercise Mr. Harvey asks us to see our betrayer as happy, surrounded by well wishes, then quietly makes the point to move us towards a willingness of letting go of our resentment by recognizing how miserable a person must be to cause pain and agony for others, how lost and misdirected; that when others choose to inflict pain on another there is almost always a story of personal pain or fear they are living.  Byron Katie states it as they believe their mind, and then offers four very powerful steps to allow us to come to terms with the hurt and live a more joy filled life.

In my opinion sometimes not facing our shadow or pain is acted out through denial.  So rather than feel we deny, denial is a very powerful force.  Yet, if I don’t feel I cannot cross over to the other side to find the gold nugget waiting to reward my efforts.    A classic example of denial in action is the habitual do gooder always out to help someone else yet never willing to look at themselves, their life is lived outwardly where they get to pretend to be better than.  None of us get through this life without mis- takes, things we would like to do differently, actions we don’t want to own, compromises we don’t want to admit to.  Such is the human experience.  So, in my willingness to forgive and to own my shadow I find my own salvation.  Forgiveness though has a price we must let go of self-righteousness; for to truly forgive another, we must see our own selves truly.   By the way, forgiveness never asks you to be in harm’s way, you can choose not to be in active relationship with someone or something and still forgive.

Andrew Harvey quotes a conversation he had with Father BeBe Griffith in which Father Griffith states “God save us all from Self Righteousness.  The Greatest block to being good is truly believing you are.”   Isn’t it true?  If I am lost in ego and better than I cannot find a path to connect to either my higher power or my fellow man, I am lost pretending to save, such a simple irony.  Power without authentic compassion, tenderness for ourselves and each other, discernment and wisdom is like sex without love….it may meet some immediate needs but in the end it just doesn’t fulfill its promise.

I invite each of you to the promise in the dance of gratitude, self-knowing, and forgiveness.  Isn’t it time?   I invite you into the greatest dance of your life, the one you have with yourself, as all truly authentic great men and women have known and embraced this dance and then willingly and lovingly chosen to show the rest of us the way.  Happy Dancing –   

 Copyright Loreine Smith 2010

Winds of Change

Wow….what a couple of months, life is on the move. I find myself in the midst of change. And in change I have a tendency to vacillate between holding on tightly, and stepping in to what is now. I am hearing from many that change is a theme for them as well now; the kaleidoscope that moves us all is busy. I am in the process of breathing and accepting, breathing and accepting. Past experience has taught me that my rejection of the change won’t stop the change from coming only make it more painful as I resist.

I am often assisting others in transition, goal setting and setting structure underneath their dreams, so when my structure is in flux, I have to practice what I speak. To remember to hold on for the ride, this too shall pass, life is, change is life, the way will make itself known, and to set aside time for deep meditations. All of this assists me in moving forward with the strong winds of change when they blow in. Initial reactions to change tend to be fear based and I am not immune to feeling the fear. I know though that if I practice and thereby through the practice hold steady and take the time to breathe, the next step and the next step reveal themselves.

At this moment I cannot identify one avenue of my life that isn’t in transition, some of it pleasant some of it hard. Some of the change came quietly unannounced, a whisper in my ear, and other stepped in like a freight train. I know I can’t change the change and, I can take care of myself through it, and part of taking care of me is to monitor my thoughts and monitor my feelings, so that I wait for those moments when I am feeling calm and trusting of the path to make what decisions I must. I try to make choices from this space, as the choices than are coming from my best self and are likely to be more grounded and long lasting.

So what helps me in accepting and even enjoying moments of transitory change? Being conscious of my words and actions grounded in a reality of living, watching my thoughts, knowing when I am on an old fear spiral, reacquainting myself with me, letting go of the outcome, developing flexible consciousness, nurturing myself, owning who I am, letting go of the need to blame anyone, forgive, forgive, forgive, change brings out the best and the worst in us. As we walk through change together I have come to believe that much forgiveness and patience with each other is the key as we step together into the unknowns. Be the last to draw the sword not the first. Remember we are all products of a life that can be most challenging at times. And each of us will fall off the boat while riding the river of life, for it moves us down the streams, and sometimes moves us each onto different streams. I find accepting and loving what is will ultimately create less resistance to the flow of the stream…a stream whose flow I can only ride, for it has a destination all its own in mind.

As I recently was enjoying the mid afternoon sun make sun diamonds on the water, a sail boat skipped across my view reminding me to smile with the sun diamonds and open my sails to ride with the wind as she dances me to the next destination for I can either ride with the wind or stay in resistance wrestling with what is and what will be. May you each ride your own winds with grace, ease and speed.

I want to take a moment and Thank each of you whom have read my blog commented and encouraged me. Writing brings me much contentment, so thank you for the encouragement and feedback. Over a year and a half ago when I started this blog I initially intended to write only about finances, and that concept expanded, and now the concept has expanded once again. Recently I co- founded ReSource Publishing, the publisher of @Source Journal™, a print journal providing content that is Positively Different. It is specifically designed for the local small entrepreneur to have a venue to shine at a price that doesn’t take that shine away. We are actively seeking independent sales persons, bloggers whom would like a venue for their work to be published and great photographers wishing the same. I will still be writing this column monthly and @Source™ will be publishing for the most part other featured bloggers some of which I will feature from time to time through this blog. @Source™ is a connection piece, connecting advertisers, writers, and photographers to their audience. So come connect with us as we create Something Positively Different @Source™. Learn more at www.source-journal.com or 214-306-6471.

Copyright Loreine Smith 2010