Lines of Comfort

Recently, my lines of comfort were crossed, and I went into my fight or flight mode.  It is fascinating to me that professionally I have obtained many tools, and deal with conflict in a straightforward and compassionate way.  Yet, the deeper my connection to someone the more likely I am when stressed or traumatized to show up without those tools.

Depending on the level, person, and type of violation I can show up as Zena Warrior Woman or the Ice Queen, neither knows much about moderation.   When my body goes hot with cold…it is my way of knowing my line has been crossed and my flight or fight response has been triggered.  What is your indicator?

We all have one…the place we go when we feel disrespected, or perhaps even greatly hurt or disappointed by a loved one’s behavior or choices.  Recently, I read an anonymous quote which said “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. “  That statement holds so much truth.  What a wonderful statement to live by when making decisions around deep personal intimate relationships.  Priority is an importance in someone’s life and if we aren’t important to someone else then what are we?  Intimacy with another human being requires more than honesty, it requires the willingness to make another being a priority.

Or at least that is my opinion, I personally cannot place myself out there as any form of relationship expert; my expertise has always been in the arena of business relationships, personal ones are much harder for me.  I get tied up in the simplest of things.   What about yourself?  Do you go all in without thought of the consequences or are you slow and methodical or somewhere in between.   Do you handle personal relationships similarly to your relationship with money or are they different?

What do you value in relationship?  What is your style of showing love? How do you express your appreciation of someone?   Is it easier for you to give or receive?  Do you need to be in control or can you surrender the outcome?   What triggers you?  Often my triggers are pulled when a situation becomes accusatory or blaming or I feel manipulated or used.  Situations and relationships with others can become unworkable for us for many reasons and that doesn’t necessarily translate to hopeless.  It does mean both have to be willing to adjust, to work through it and perhaps even locate a great counselor to assist in sorting through it all for that extra guidance necessary to turn the corner and in so doing create a stronger relationship.

Certainly, in the world we live in relationships have evolved and are more complex.  However, there is also more possibility to grow in our connections as human beings and a society as a whole.   Daphne Rose Kingma has written a book entitled the Future of Love in it she makes the case that intimate relationship forms have evolved and that they often break the rules of convention and, that often we live relationships which are in conflict with what we think and believe relationships should be.  To me that means we throw allot of guilt on ourselves and others for not meeting the picture of normalcy which basically means when something great shows up and it shows up in a flavor different than our beliefs and judgments allow we just may let something beautiful go to find that elusive picture perfect societal ideal.  In her years of study and work as a counselor, Dr. Kingma believes we are in the midst of relationship transformation and that while marriage is still one important form of intimate relationship that it is no longer the only form.   As we evolve, won’t our relationship forms evolve with us?

And, isn’t true intimacy, about bringing into any relationship the opportunity to express our true selves, as well as possibly to heal wounds we can’t find except while in intimate relationship with another whether or not sex is part of the relationship which brings me back to the question doesn’t real intimacy also require us to be in conscious relationship with someone willing to make us a priority?  For how else can we trust the commitment necessary for true intimacy to evolve?

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